Rahul Annareddy - Posts

Alang Madan Kulang

2024-12-08T17:42:20+05:30

AMK started with our trekking group arriving at the Igatpuri railway station and taking a sumo ride to the village of Ambewadi. Being winter, a lot of the vegetation along the way had turned yellowish and looked dehydrated. Fellow trekkers who had attempted the trek 2 months ago in the rainy season told us about the waterfalls, full reservoirs, streams, and lush greenery they had experienced. The group didn't seem too upset to miss that natural beauty considering that the rains also brought with them slippery rocks, wet clothes, and muddy trails. I secretly hoped for a litte rain because that would let me put on my famed poncho.

The village of Ambewadi is sparsely populated and showed little signs of life this Friday afternoon. The harsh sun on everyone's face made people determined to get going. At the end of the village in a home that was converted into a kirana store & restaurant, our group sat getting rid of additional items that were not needed for the trek, filling up water bottles, and charging phones. Poha was served for breakfast, and pakced lunches were distributed. Once everyones bags were packed, we were given tents and harnesses to carry which made people have to repack their backpacks. There was a debate about steel bottles vs plastic bottles. I believe its better to carry steel bottles even if they are heavier, for the simple fact that there is no chance of them leaking when your trekking bag gets thrown around. With hindsight I would carry plastic bottles, shaving a couple kgs for the marginal risk of wet clothes / sleepin bag is a tradeoff you should make.

The trek began with a walk across Ambewadi into the agricultural fields. The fields were mostly rice fields which had been harvested. This makes sense because I did not see many bore wells or drip irrigation setups around indicating they relied on rainwater for irrigation. Since rice requires a lot of water and swampy conditions to grow well, they typically target the end of the rainy season for harvests. In the open area next to the fields kids were playing cricket. Birds were chirping. As we were walking through chit chatting everything seemed allright. The JOSH was high. This was going to be a glorius trek. AMK was right in front of us waiting to be conquered. Could anything stop us ?

As we were reaching the end of the fields, I start hearing a slight slapping sound. I look around for where its coming from. Turns out the sole of my shoe was angry at the rest of my shoe and decided to break up. It was an ugly scene with my sole slapping my shoe non stop. They say there is never a perfect time to break up, this felt like the worst time. Looking at my right sole, the sole on my left shoe got confidence. It also decided it had had enough and made the decision to leave iuts shoe as well. All of a sudden I was pulled into this shoe drama. I needed them to be together for a couple more days, just long enough to finish the trek. But once your soul leaves you, getting it back is next to impossible.

I immediately went up to Madhu our trek lead and asked him what we should do. His lack of hesitation in solving the problem was inspiring in that it gave me a lot of confidence that I could go on with the trek. The first idea was, take off your shoes. You can climb mountains in flip flops, no big deal. As I start climbing the mountain in flip flops I start getting cocky. Look at me embracing the brightside. Doing one of Maharashtra's toughest treks in flip flops will be a hell of a story. Life gave me lemons, I'm making lemonade. Fast forward to twenty minutes later and the flip flops come undone. They are flipping but not flopping. Funnily enough I was protecting the place where the band of the flip flops connects to the sole between your fingers thinking if these break they will break there. Turns out the back of the flip flops got jealous and decided to break.

The next solution was shoes back on. You can tie the shoelaces from underneath the sole, round the back of the shoe to the front in such a way that the sole is supported by laces. You can then use a second piece of shoelace to go around the sole of your shoe near the front and tie the ends to where the actually shoelaces start getting threaded on your shoe. This was an ingenious solution that Madhu came up with beacause this setup put an abrupt break into the shoe saga for a while.

With everyone back on their feet, the trek picked up some pace. The terrain we were walking through was pretty dense and would cause a lot of trouble in the rainy season. But because most leaves had fallen off for the winter and a lot of the wild weeds were dried out, walking through them was quite simple. You did have to watch out for the occasional stray branch that would catch you in the face, especially if the person in front of you had taken it forward with them and just let it loose. Coming up through the forest section was a bit of a chore because you are ascending without much of a view. Eventually we reach a clearing which also brought the first clear view of the mountains. It was a good spot to break for lunch.

The packed lunch was mixed beans curry with chapathis. People were in good spirits. A couple of good pictures and videos with the gang of 5. Lunch was good, we ate and hydrated and got back on our way. The trail continued as it was with some occasional rocky patches.

The next part of the trail completely consisted of rock climbing. At this point I was feeling a bit stressed in anticipation of what was to come. I would have to climb the rest of the trek in shoes with no attached soles. And on these rocks a little bit of a slip would mean major injury. This caused me to start doubting every step I had to take. In trekking, being confident that you will not slip when you place your foot is esssential. If you feel like you are going to slip, even safe steps start making you panic and a certain restlessness sets in. It is hard to describe the feeling of knowing the next few hours are going to put you in life or death situations. But HEY, as the song goes. I'm Mr.Brightside.

Chugging along, we reach the point where the path to the 3 mountains diverges. Again, with the sun setting right as we reached this place, the views were truly breathtaking. The way the angled beams of the sun were reflecting off of the atmosphere, the leaves, and people brought vivid color to the whole scene. The transition reminded of the first time I looked at an LCD TV back in the day. Like WOW, are colors meant to look like this ? The photo session here gave everone their Whatsapp DP's. This moment of respite was needed because all that rock climbing definitely pinched some nerves.

Going on from here, the trail was pretty straightforward until we reached some narrow steps. These steps were espcially nasty because they had some gravel, lose rocks, and sand in them making them quite slippery. Climbing these steps was quite draining because for the first time in a long time I was scared. I remember taking each step one at a time thinking, you wouldn't do me in like this right GOD !!! Slipping on those steps would truly have been hellish. These narrow steps were quite winding and lead us right to the point where we reached a vertical wall that we had to climb.

Standing right in front of me were Rachit and Poonam. I remember asking them how their mental was because I was definitely in deep end of the pool. Thankfully I know how to swim, but knowing you will drown when you stop moving does bring a certain level of anxiety. It was already pitch black at this point. The exact places where you could rest your foot while climbing this wall were barely visible. Bhagwanji latched my harness into the rope and I started climbing. I might have blacked out for a few seconds because the next thing I remember was just being on top of the wall a few seconds later completely out of breath. Completing the hardest task of the day definitely gave me relief. Sitting on top for a while catching my breath waiting for the rest fo the gang to make their way up.

As a couple more people made their way to the top, we started the last section of the day. This part was steep narrow steps which would definitely have been scary if we could see the whole surrondings and where we were going. But in the pitch black setting, everyone pretty much had tunnel vision. I'm looking straight ahead and climbing these steps. Whats to my left, my right ? What's behind me ? Will I slip ? . Fuck all that. Doubts are for losers, and we were a couple minutes away from sweet sweet bliss. So the last section seemed pretty short and does not stick out too much in my memory.

Reaching the summit, dropping that unnecasarily heavy bag and just letting lose the stress that had built up during the day. I heard the gang talking and laughing but I truly had nothing to say. Just standing there staring up at the clear night sky really did bring up a lot of emotion. Slowly the knots that had built up in my stomach all through the day got released one by one. Whatever possessed me to go on in several scary moments left and I was left reeling. I remebered a moment Anika, Sai, and I had on the train. Sai was talking about all those dead bodies he saw at Manikarnika Ghat and Anika had mentioned how seeing something like that would humble you. I had said there are other ways to get humbled. It's as though the universe took me up on that. Feeling exposed by nature, vulnerable to the brutality of mother nature is truly a humbling experince and I would not reccomend it.

Pitching tents, having dinner, and the late night walk looking at the stars closed out a spectacular day. Writing is painful and I'm getting one of you to write abou day two.

Advice To A Friend From A Friend

2024-10-21T17:42:20+05:30

Me and you are pretty similar. Even to the age. Ive got friends who are genuine, have degrees to prove it, geniuses. Ive got friends who stand to become very rich within 5 years, and likely will be. Ive got one friend who's in a relationship with basically two gorgeous women. All of my friends have these great jobs, and are starting families, and buying houses. And yet, here I am. No girlfriend, a normal job, a shitty car, and not much in savings.

Ive got inadequacy issues, depression, anxiety, (that Ive recently learned to overcome,) fucking constant bowel inflammation, and a grouchy fuckin attitude. Ive fought suicide attempts, addictions, tasted richness and poverty, and 'I'm here to tell you, life fucking sucks. Straight. Up.

I used to wish for death, constantly. I stood at the edge of a very high cliff once in a national park with every intention of jumping. Yet I didnt. Because I talked myself out of it. I used to stay in the warm womb of my bed and beg god or death to just give me a heart attack so I didnt have to face my problems that day. I compare myself to those around me, and find myself lacking in nearly every way. But I wont forever, because I talk myself out of it.

The next things im going to relate have saved my life, but Im not about to sit here and pretend that theyre nessicarily healthy thoughts. Its also going to be really fucking pretentious. The way I got over my anxiety, (anxiety which definitely helped fuel many suicidal ideations) is accepting that one day, Im going to fucking die. And in 3 generations, Ill be forgotten. This goes for all but humanity's most famous and infamous. The people I am afraid of, or desperate to impress, or be like will share the same fate. In 3 generations, no one will give a flying fuck about you. Even very serious things in my life can feel trivial now. And now that the edge was taken off of most things, Im much more calm. "Julius Caesar, now turned to clay, might plug a hole to keep the wind at bay".

My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings; Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair! Nothing beside remains. Round the decay Of that colossal Wreck, boundless and bare The lone and level sands stretch far away.

The second thing that helped me greatly, is realizing just how much of my life was in my head, and how much I lie to myself. We lie to ourselves fucking constantly. And I'm terrible with it. The mind is an easy thing to trick, and if youve got a fucked up head like mine, you'll realize that it doesnt want to stay the way it is for long. When youre low, you dont want to hear it. You just want to hurt. And anyone telling you things like "oh it gets better" just sounds like some hippy loser. But youre lying to yourself and theyre right. Time heals a lot. And your body and your subconcious know this, and will drag your mind and identity forwards the best it can. (Otherwise, I suspect the suicide rate would be much higher.)

Sadness, anger, fear, and unfortunately even joy, all hit me like waves. Really strong waves. And they roll past me in about an hour. Once I figured out how long my moods usually last, I began being able to control them better. This took years of medication and many, many mental breakdowns. Now, I see my emotions as one thing- tiring. I feel like shit now, because I have to go to work in an hour, but I know that about an hour into work, I wont even remember feeling this way. Knowing that takes a lot of power out of how I'm feeling now.

Third thing that helped me was realizing and accepting just how alone we all are. Id been somewhat coddled throughout my life, and of course when you get to a certain age, life throws the blanket off of you and tells you to get to the mines. This goes back to my previous point about lying to myself. So much of my life was set up by other people. So much of my identity relied on other people. We, as men, want to be as cool as james bond, or rich like bill gates, or smart like einstien. But what I'm learning is that when you live your life constantly looking up, youre robbing yourself of your own journey, your own identity.

I think it all hit me one day when after playing a game, listening to some podcast, and talking to someone all at once, I thought, when was the last time youve been alone with your thoughts?

And thats when it hit me. For years it was not okay for me to think my own thoughts. I was incredibly cruel to myself. The way I talk to myself, i wouldnt talk to my worst enemy that way. I knew in my heart of hearts, that if I was alone with my thoughts, id be back at that cliff face again in no time. But once again that was a fucking lie. In reality, I didnt want to face the hardship of clawing my way back to reality and out of my 10+ year daydream.

Once I did that, once I completely destroyed my old self, I began to build myself. And thats my final point. Build yourself a you that you would like to be around.

There has been no great, theatrical change. I didnt run down to my fridge and begin pouring beers into the sink, nor did I run like Rocky Balboa, and I definitely didnt find any solace in religion. I began living for me, and I began believing in shit that makes no sense in my head. Im not telling you to join a cult or get into Q, no I'm saying I started believing in myself despite allllll evidence to the contrary. Lying to myself, yes, but working to make those lies the truth.

Cant speak French, but doubted yourself? Well fuck yourself, hes a liar. Start and see how you like it. If you hate it, drop it. If youre like me, you'll come to love linguistics. (In hindsight, i wish I'd have started in 10th class. French was my best class.)

Cant play guitar? Fuck you, mind, youre a liar. You can learn the basics in a month.

Cant talk to women? Fuck you, mind, youre a liar. Try. Swing out. Try again. Till it isnt a fear for you anymore.

Anyways thats it. Sorry this was a really long, pretentious way to say TL:DR the mind plays tricks. It gets better.

Oh and learn the stock market. And consider college again. And forgive yourself. And others.

PS: This reads autobiographical but it is not. This is collected from several people.