Me and you are pretty similar. Even to the age. Ive got friends who are genuine, have degrees to prove it, geniuses. Ive got friends who stand to become very rich within 5 years, and likely will be. Ive got one friend who’s in a relationship with basically two gorgeous women. All of my friends have these great jobs, and are starting families, and buying houses. And yet, here I am. No girlfriend, a normal job, a shitty car, and not much in savings.
Ive got inadequacy issues, depression, anxiety, (that Ive recently learned to overcome,) fucking constant bowel inflammation, and a grouchy fuckin attitude. Ive fought suicide attempts, addictions, tasted richness and poverty, and ’I’m here to tell you, life fucking sucks. Straight. Up.
I used to wish for death, constantly. I stood at the edge of a very high cliff once in a national park with every intention of jumping. Yet I didnt. Because I talked myself out of it. I used to stay in the warm womb of my bed and beg god or death to just give me a heart attack so I didnt have to face my problems that day. I compare myself to those around me, and find myself lacking in nearly every way. But I wont forever, because I talk myself out of it.
The next things im going to relate have saved my life, but Im not about to sit here and pretend that theyre nessicarily healthy thoughts. Its also going to be really fucking pretentious. The way I got over my anxiety, (anxiety which definitely helped fuel many suicidal ideations) is accepting that one day, Im going to fucking die. And in 3 generations, Ill be forgotten. This goes for all but humanity’s most famous and infamous. The people I am afraid of, or desperate to impress, or be like will share the same fate. In 3 generations, no one will give a flying fuck about you. Even very serious things in my life can feel trivial now. And now that the edge was taken off of most things, Im much more calm. “Julius Caesar, now turned to clay, might plug a hole to keep the wind at bay”.
My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings; Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair! Nothing beside remains. Round the decay Of that colossal Wreck, boundless and bare The lone and level sands stretch far away.
The second thing that helped me greatly, is realizing just how much of my life was in my head, and how much I lie to myself. We lie to ourselves fucking constantly. And I’m terrible with it. The mind is an easy thing to trick, and if youve got a fucked up head like mine, you’ll realize that it doesnt want to stay the way it is for long. When youre low, you dont want to hear it. You just want to hurt. And anyone telling you things like “oh it gets better” just sounds like some hippy loser. But youre lying to yourself and theyre right. Time heals a lot. And your body and your subconcious know this, and will drag your mind and identity forwards the best it can. (Otherwise, I suspect the suicide rate would be much higher.)
Sadness, anger, fear, and unfortunately even joy, all hit me like waves. Really strong waves. And they roll past me in about an hour. Once I figured out how long my moods usually last, I began being able to control them better. This took years of medication and many, many mental breakdowns. Now, I see my emotions as one thing- tiring. I feel like shit now, because I have to go to work in an hour, but I know that about an hour into work, I wont even remember feeling this way. Knowing that takes a lot of power out of how I’m feeling now.
Third thing that helped me was realizing and accepting just how alone we all are. Id been somewhat coddled throughout my life, and of course when you get to a certain age, life throws the blanket off of you and tells you to get to the mines. This goes back to my previous point about lying to myself. So much of my life was set up by other people. So much of my identity relied on other people. We, as men, want to be as cool as james bond, or rich like bill gates, or smart like einstien. But what I’m learning is that when you live your life constantly looking up, youre robbing yourself of your own journey, your own identity.
I think it all hit me one day when after playing a game, listening to some podcast, and talking to someone all at once, I thought, when was the last time youve been alone with your thoughts?
And thats when it hit me. For years it was not okay for me to think my own thoughts. I was incredibly cruel to myself. The way I talk to myself, i wouldnt talk to my worst enemy that way. I knew in my heart of hearts, that if I was alone with my thoughts, id be back at that cliff face again in no time. But once again that was a fucking lie. In reality, I didnt want to face the hardship of clawing my way back to reality and out of my 10+ year daydream.
Once I did that, once I completely destroyed my old self, I began to build myself. And thats my final point. Build yourself a you that you would like to be around.
There has been no great, theatrical change. I didnt run down to my fridge and begin pouring beers into the sink, nor did I run like Rocky Balboa, and I definitely didnt find any solace in religion. I began living for me, and I began believing in shit that makes no sense in my head. Im not telling you to join a cult or get into Q, no I’m saying I started believing in myself despite allllll evidence to the contrary. Lying to myself, yes, but working to make those lies the truth.
Cant speak French, but doubted yourself? Well fuck yourself, hes a liar. Start and see how you like it. If you hate it, drop it. If youre like me, you’ll come to love linguistics. (In hindsight, i wish I’d have started in 10th class. French was my best class.)
Cant play guitar? Fuck you, mind, youre a liar. You can learn the basics in a month.
Cant talk to women? Fuck you, mind, youre a liar. Try. Swing out. Try again. Till it isnt a fear for you anymore.
Anyways thats it. Sorry this was a really long, pretentious way to say TL:DR the mind plays tricks. It gets better.
Oh and learn the stock market. And consider college again. And forgive yourself. And others.